I'm as free as a Genie!!!

Well... almost 

I HAVE ONE DAY MOOOOOREEEEE IN THE MTC, PEOPLE!!!!  WOO HOOO!!! 

     

     Ok, now stop celebrating. We have a lot of business to get to. I have a lot to tell you. Well, at least I THINK I do. It really has been weird because Everyone has been saying the MTC flies by, but I feel like I've been here for my whole life. I'm pretty ready to go, except for the part where when I go, I have to speak fluent Cambodian, and I'm not even close. Memorizing words is hard for me. I've been trying to make this week my best when it comes to working hard, because i know that is what I am supposed to do. 

    

     We had something called "in-field orientation", which is basically supposed to get us ready to be REAL missionaries. The most I got out of the day was when I saw a picture of some eggs and took a selfie. ROFL JK I really did learn a lot. Egg selfie to come later. 

     

     Also, the bestest bestest part of my week was when we met someone named Leah. So, I never knew this, but there are REAL Investigators of the church who come to the MTC, and me and a couple other missionaries have been teaching Leah. At first, she wasn't really getting a lot out of what we were teaching her. I thought it might be a waste of our limited time at the MTC, but then she played us a song on her guitar that basically just told us how thankful she was for us helping her and it made me realize how much missionaries help people. It was TOO swag! I love Leah. I can't wait to have COPIOUS amounts of people I can help in Cambodia. 

     

     I hope everyone is doing well! My week is gonna be a WEIRD one! I'm flying to Hong Kong tomorrow night, and then to Cambodia from there! So I'll let everyone know my new address, because I KNOW y'all are gonna want to be writing me letters that will probably never make it to me! Enjoy TV and movies everyone, because I miss them every day! But it's worth it because I love what I'm doing! Be ready for the sweetest email ever next week! 

BE THE SWAGGIEST YOU CAN BE!!! Tootles 

Elder Slavens 

Top o' the mornin' to ya!

WWWEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HOWDY, Y'ALL!!!!!! 

I am in a DARN TOOTIN good mood! I'm loving life! The MTC is awesome! and you know what's MORE awesome? I GET TO LEAVE IN 8 DAYS!!!!! This weeks egg amount has been pathetic. The store didn't restock flaming hot Cheetos, so eggs had no purpose. So I basically come home every night and I am starving. And i have nothing to save me from that. IF THERE IS ANYONE WHO LOVES ME, buy a bag of flaming hot cheetos with Limon and write my address on a piece of paper and tape it to it and throw it in the mail! I'll send you something nice in return. 

I had my first dream that was FULLY in Cambodian a couple nights ago! It was Arnold Schwarzenegger and I chilling in a parking garage with each other, and he was telling me all about how he loves going to the temple, but he has to eat a ton of bananas before he goes so he doesn't get stomach pains. And I woke up and peed my pants because it was so awesome. Arnold rocks the Cambodian. 

Our week has been crazy because we are all trying to get ready to leave. WE HAVE 8 MORE DAYS IN THE MTC, PEOPLE!!!! I always think i'm ready, until our teachers do something like show us pictures from their missions and tell us to describe what we see. and I'm all, "Dude, I only know how to talk about Jesus because He's all that matters". But honestly, I don't even know how to ask for directions or buy anything. AND I'M SO EXCITED! When I don't know what someone says, I'm just gonna say some random sentence about how I'm from America and love to dance. 

Honestly, this week i have just realized how much I love everything. I LOVE EVERYTHING! you name something, and I can guarantee I love it! All my hardships as a missionary, I LOVE! It's gonna be so fun getting to Cambodia and having no clue what's going on, but at least Heavenly Father will help me out! Next Monday is gonna be exciting! I love you all! Stay safe! Make every moment count! Live life like you are a mermaid from H2O: Just Add Water!! 

Love you! 

Elder Dark Money 

My address for the cheetos: 

2007 N 900 E Unit 60

Mar 24 CAM-PPEN

Provo, UT, 84602

Every Villain Is Lemons 

Me and all my friends (I don't know a single person in this picture) 

MTC look alikes 1: The Holes Crew 

​MTC look alike 2: Andy Samberg with a guy who is plotting something 

​MTC look alike 3: Black Michael Jackson

Ether probably liked Eggs

What a SPLENDID week it has been, do you agree? THAT'S GREAT!!!!! 

     In my last email, I forgot to tell you about the best part of my last week! the night before all the Thais left, my master (Elder Swagger) decided to hold a competition for who would receive his bathrobe. A foot race for only the most FEARLESS of contestants. I decided to think of the Maze Runner while I was running the twisty halls of the MTC residency. But then something I did not expect... STAIRS. I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs. I twisted my ankle so good. So I had to get it iced and stuff. I think it was God punishing me for being an idiot. It's probz gonna be happening a lot. 

     But the Thais did leave us with a noisemaker for the long, dark nights! One of the settings is "heartbeat" and every time someone turns it on and turns off the lights I instantly go into fight or flight attack mode. Someone always gets a black eye. 

     IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT!!! My parents sent me my new drivers license. So if someone would like to WIN my old one, then enter this competition. The first one to send me a letter will receive my old drivers license in the mail. No charge to you. Mail away. 

      HEY! Are you wondering to yourself... why hasn't Dallin talked about eggs yet? Well prepare yourself for THIS! We have done the math. We were curious how many eggs we have all individually eaten since we have been here. After hours of working hard on a chalk board to solve the problem, we have figured it out... We have all individually eaten almost 260 eggs since we have been in the MTC. And I am so sad, because I only have about 48 more eggs to go before I am out of here. Cambodia better be ready for my iron stomach.

 

     Skyping a member in Cambodia was so fun last week! He was this old guy, and he kept looking into the corner of the screen, and then when I asked him what he was up to, he moved the computer screen to reveal there was a crowd of like 8 people listening to us. So we preached to the masses. 

     I will end my week with the miracle that happened to me. It was all thanks to a certain Erin Bartlett (Sorry if I butchered your last name lol). So one day I was having major struggles because I realized I only have about 2 and a half more weeks in the MTC, and I SUCK at speaking Cambodian. But then I got this package in the mail from Erin, one of the babes who was in my ward at BYU, and she told me to read Ether chapter 12, and to relate it to my language learning ability. Verse 27 spoke to me. It said to turn your weaknesses into strengths, you have to have humility and faith. I was like, "what the heck! I have humility! I'm the humbelest ever!" I was asking God for help on the language every night. But what I was lacking was faith. I didn't KNOW every night that the next day I would be better at Cambodian because I asked. But once I read that scripture, I realized that once I KNEW that God would help me, it came so much faster. 

     I'm preparing to head off to Cambodia in about 2 weeks, and you guys, I got some ants in my pants! I'm stoked! I love y'all! Have a sweet-nasty week. 

Free rabbit pellet ice 

​This Elder doesn't speak English, and he has like 12 last names. But our love is still strong. 

​Bow down, commoners 

Fun times with Bong Gong and Look Poo Thuu

Why PIP PIP CHEERIO, everyone!!!! How is life as a normal person? Probably totes not as swag as life as a missionary. Hey, just be a missionary and you won't have to hear me say dumb stuff like that! If there are any of you just tuning in, YES, I am still at the Missionary Training Center, learning how to speak Cambodian. And breathe Cambodian. And dream in Cambodian. I'm hoping I sleep talk in Cambodian. If you think I do, text 58365 right now and vote "YES". Again, if you think I do, text 58365 right now and vote "YES"! 

I'd just like to give a HUGE shout out to the San Ramon 2nd Ward for CRUSHING it in the dodgeball tournament, ONCE AGAIN. A little birdy told me it was all thanks to a horde of giant tattooed Tongans that all came and just made everyone pee their pants. Classic. 

I'd also like to give a shout out to T-rizzle and his 14th birthday! He can now go to stake dances, so treat him well, ladies. 

I'd like to inform everyone that eating eggs and Cheetos every night is still going very strong. The cafeteria people know us now. They see us, and they get ready to swipe us in for some eggs. I woke up one morning a couple days ago, and I was concerned because my hands were covered in dried blood, but then I realized it was just Cheetos dust from the night before. That was a good morning. Also, JUST TO BE SURE, will one of you consult a doctor for me and ask if constant egg eating is ok? I just want to make sure I'm not destroying my body before I go to Cambodia to destroy my body. 

As Zone Leader, it was Elder Lamborn and I's honor to welcome the new Cantonese missionaries. They are #SoFresh. They are picking up the MTC so fast! I offer them foot massages every night because we learned that a good leader is a servant to who they lead. I have had no takers yet. 

So we had our final lesson with one of our "Investigators". I haven't talked about them much (I mostly talk about eggs), but we have 2. One is Bong Gong, and the other is Look Poo Thuu. Awesome names, AM I RIGHT?! But we had to stop teaching Look Poo Thuu because we are supposed to teach a new investigator soon, and it was SO SAD!!! I hate saying goodbyes, even if it's fake! So we taught about Joseph Smith and the Restoration of the church, and MAN, I have never felt so passionate about it! I started crying! I'm just really grateful for everything Joseph smith did to restore Jesus Christ's church. There's a really good video called "The Restoration" that tells the story. It's so cool. I recommend it! I'll put a link. 

Alrighty, fam fam. Have a darn tootin good day! Wish me luck! Tonight we are all Skyping members IN Cambodia. I'm stoked to be yelling at a computer screen and have no clue what anyone is saying. I appreciate you all! Have a sweet week! 

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2006-05-01-joseph-smith-prophet-of-the-restoration-2002-version?category=feature-films&lang=eng

Me being pleasantly surprised as Master Wager pops up out of a bush 

​$T@CHES 4 LYFE

Elder Osborne is that guy from Hunchback of Notre Dame. FIIIRREEEE 

We ain't your common swag wielders 

GRAND Master

     Well everyone... I have news. Remember how I told you I was now a master? Whelp... I've been upgraded to GRAND Master due to my church sandals. So you must all refer to me as Master Elder Slavens when you speak to me now. But you will survive. 

     How is everyone doing this week?!?!?!? My weeks been kinda crazy. A roller coaster, if you will. But we'll start off with the good. 

     There was this bug that was flying around in our classroom once when we were trying to focus on learning Cambodian, but no one could concentrate, so I ate it. I just caught it and stuffed it in my mouth. I told everyone that they had to write about it in their emails home today, so I hope they are honoring that. I also learned this week that the Cambodian word for prophet, pyiakaarei, directly translates to "weather Lady". So everyone in Cambodia thinks Thomas S. Monson tells the weather on channel 4. 

     Also, the egg business has gotten out of control. Last Friday we had almost 76 eggs. We've converted a lot of people to the ways of eating day old eggs. 

     Someone in our district, Sister Stevens, got really sick this week. She has been having problems with her throat, and so she has missed A LOT of class. It's been really hard!!! But we've all been praying for her!!! That's not the good news, the good news was that she asked Elder Lamborn and I to give her a blessing. It was amazing to see how it helped her. Elder Lamborn gave it since he's never given a blessing before. Everyone in our district loves each other. 

     The last part of good news was that Elder Lamborn and I got called as the zone leaders! Which means we're in charge of basically everyone going to South East Asia on their missions. It's good, but it stressed me out. Here's where the stress of my week comes in. I thought that maybe I wasn't ready for something like that. I'm just a crazy kid. I eat 80 eggs a day. I run around and yell a lot. I tatted up my back real good with all these temporary tattoos someone had since Halloween. Now I have to be an example to people. So I'm trying my hardest to be a better disciple of Christ! But don't worry... Elder Dark Money isn't turning into a square just yet. 

     In a TRC lesson (which is teaching real life people once a week who come in and volunteer) this week, we taught a lady named Om Meak, who moved here from Cambodia just recently. And I couldn't understand ONE WORD she said!!! I was laughing the whole lesson!!! I loved it, but MAN do I have work to do to learn this dang language!!! 

     My hardest part of the week but also where I learned the most was just last night. I was struggling with my new calling (even though it's basically nothing) and that I wasn't good enough. And that's when I realized the power of repentance. We had a lesson where we learned that repentance wasn't only for gaining forgiveness on giant sins, but on constantly improving who you are. So I prayed for help and instantly felt Heavenly Fathers love. So if anyone of you are struggling with ANYTHING, go ahead and pray about it! And if you don't know how to pray, or what repentance is, than that is what missionaries like me are for! They won't bite! I might... 

     I love you guys!!! But I'm mad that I got a notice that everyone is marking my emails as spam. So I love most of you. Have a EGGscelent week, everybody!!! ROCK ON 

Master Elder Slavens

PS Tell everyone that spams my emails that they are dead to me. I got a notification that everyone is spamming it. Whatever. Haters gonna hate.

​All the Cantonese speakers left to Hong Kong yesterday. Today is the first day of my new, horrible life without them 

​The abuse continues 

I eat so many eggs, I've just decided to start laying my own. 

Mormon tatted 

Super glue mends a broken heart

It snowed. I had fun. 

Hello everyone! Let's not dilly-dally with any fancy introductions, and let's just get to the important stuff, shall we?
I WOULD like to begin with the hardships I am facing here at the Provo MTC. The people who do cleaning checks got mad at me because we have 2 open beds in our room, so I took one of the mattresses for 2 times the comfort. AND THEY GOT MAD AT ME!!! Like Acca-SCUSE ME?!?!?! So I had to put it back. But it was glorious while I had it. 

That's all the hardships for now!!! Well, and for a while I was starting to get afraid that I was a poopy teacher, because my investigator told me I talked too much! But I needed to hear it!!! I realized that I was teaching a lesson which is 100% boring, and didn't ever give the people we teach a chance to say anything! So I have been listening to our teachers on how to teach and following the spirit and it is going really well! Teaching in Cambodian is really fun! I'm getting better at reading, but I can't read out loud yet. When I say "better", I mean that now it only takes me 2 and a half hours to read a verse. 

The day before Valentines day was the greatest day of the MTC BY FAR. It was Elder Ros' birthday, so we threw him a HUGE surprise party, and the whole zone showed up to wish him a happy birthday! Elder Lamborn and I made him a cape out of paper towels. His quote of the week comes from when he opened a present and it was Martinelli's Apple Cider, and he said "Turn up at the MTC tonight!" Later that night, to prepare for Valentine's day, all the Elders prepared by putting on face masks to beautify our faces. If you ever want a beautiful face, go to Bed Bath & Beyond. That's where the deep pore cleaning sea-salt masks are at. Good stuff. 

Everyday we get to choose 4 items for breakfast, and our new thing is to use that to get 8 eggs. 2 eggs count as 1 item (boo ya). I take hand fulls of mayonnaise and musturd and we make 16 deviled eggs. Each. It's glorious. 

You guys, I LOVE the MTC!!! Not only is it so fun here, but learning how to be a good missionary and having the spirit with me always is SO COOL!!!! I'm learning how to teach real life people, and I'm learning how to do it in a cray cray Asian language. But I love the culture and can't wait to get to Cambodia! Everyone.... have a great week and STAY SAFE! There's a storm coming, Harry... and we all best be ready when she does.

TOODALOO!!!  

Gentleman's night, preparing to look fabulous on Valentine's day 

Will you be my Valentine? 

Still getting prepped for the big day!!! 

The day we realized my master looks like human Shrek was the day I said to myself, "Being a missionary is love, being a missionary is life"  

I experimented with eye patches and one eye went blind for 20 minutes. 

Egg night. Ft. Batman 

Always protecting the citizens of Provo 

Enjoying my gift from Brother Preisser 

I have been promoted from apprentice to master

Why hello, world. How it be?

      It's been another fine week in the MTC. The sun is always shining, and there is always fun to be had. Just a wonderful experience. 

      So this week started out with a miracle. Some man who somehow knew about Sister Sheffield and I snuck Swig in and brought it to us. I have no clue how he knew that we both worked there, but I got my first Mountain Dew in months. I was singing Hosanna.  

      Then a beautiful idea was born: everyone watch your local concerts in 2 years because the Cambodians have hatched a plan. When we get back, we are going to have a concert called "Mormon Mania", starring all of the Mormon hits. It will star the Mormon Tarbenacle Choir, and feature David Archeletta, Lindsey Sterling, Gladys Knight, Imagine Dragons, Neon Trees, the Osmonds, The Killers, and the children from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat having a reunion. Be ready for it. There will also be chocolate mint brownie refreshments and a closing prayer. 

       Elder Gardley made my day by telling me that I was wearing a mask and was painting my face, because he's sure I'm black. It's because I knew who Shaggy was. But in reality, it wasn't me. 

       I will also be doing a weekly section of Elder Johnny Ros quotes in my emails, and this weeks starts with "I would rather drown than grow an afro" 

       The reason I have promoted from Apprentice to Master is very simple. This week, both Elder Hall and I have decided to compete for the spot as Master to Elder Wager, possibly the strangest man I've ever met. To see who would win, we decided that he would only eat white rice and water for as long as he could, and I would only drink chocolate milk (no food) for as long as I could. AND I WON!!! I lasted 27 hours. So food is pointless. 

       I also broke my camera this week waaaaaaaaa

       This week, I had lots of fun teaching about teaching the gospel. We did TRC, which is teaching real life people who don't play roles like our teachers do. But even better was when we saw a guest named Dan just roaming the MTC and taught him. The spirit was so strong!!! He loved what we had to say!!! 

       I loved this week and I love you all!!!!! Have a #blessed life 

Elder Dark Money

The Master I am Master to, Elder "Swagger" Wager 

​Selfie king, Elder Johnny Ros 

​RIP 

Everyone says my district President and I are twins born in different generations. I don't see it. 

I need some Sploosh for my stinky feet, REAL BAD.

HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!!! 

       Well, AHOY there, mateys!!! This week be a FINE week, sailing the seven seas. 

Not really. I'm in one spot. All day, everyday. We don't leave the MTC. It's awesome. It's started getting to the point where I'll look out windows and realize I've forgotten what a car looks like. I'm not even really sure what they do anymore. Like why did I need one? And sometimes families come into the MTC to go to the devotionals or something, and I look at the babies that the families bring in and freak out because I think that someone got shrunk. PS if shrink rays are invented while i'm gone, someone has to let me know.  

         My new favorite part of this week happened 6 minutes ago, where I realized that my notes that I keep with me all week, writing down what to put in my email, was accidentally put into an envelope and mailed to Elder Reagan. So take care of them, Elder Reagan. And tell me if I forgot anything. 

         From what I gathered from the wonderful brain that I own, this week really was awesome. To start the week off right, Elder Osborne and I pasted our hair down and tried to rock the Dwight K. Schrute. Which we successfully did. And then we just went to a million devotionals. They are so SWEET! Just the most bonafied swag lords are allowed to talk at them. No one else. My companion reminds me more and more of Chance AKA Elder Slavens every single day. Like it's scary. 

         We started learning script this week! Which means that in a mere few weeks I'll forget how to write in English letters. My emails will start sounding more and more like a $1 Chinese copy of The Scorpion King translated into English. I helped everyone by making the strangest memorization techniques to remember the characters. Let me just tel you, "coo" has the best hair and a perfectly sculpted chin. 

         We use this computer system called "TALL" (technology assisted language learning)
to help us memorize the language, and I have reason to believe that we are all living in the TALL. I keep seeing tall people in suits and ties following me. But my favorite part about using TALL is the phrases you can learn. Currently in the process of learning how to say "Where can I find the nearest store that will sell me a half-kilogram of ham?" 

       My favorite part of this week was teaching our fake investigator, Bong Phoan. He agreed to get baptized, but then the bad part was he surprised us by saying he was moving to Thailand! I almost started crying! But then I instantly became happy when I realized that  meant Lookruu (teacher) Mickelson was COMING TO TOWN! He's the one who taught me everything I know about Cambodian. 

        Well everyone, have a #blessed week! Hope your lives smell better than my feet, cuz my feet stink. All the time. I need new socks. ASAP. See you all next week! 

              Love, Elder Slavens 

Can't remember if I sent this already. ENJOY IT AGAIN if I did.

​Just TELL me this isn't the definition of baller 

 ​AAAAWWWWWWWw, have fun in Thailand performing heart surgery, Bong Phoan!!!! 

​"Lookruu" Slavens teaching peeps Cambodian 

​Whatchyu know about friendship? I found Mahe 2.0 

​Bruno Mars is ACTUALLY in my zone 

Basically already a pro at the MTC. NBD.

Whelp, howlee-doodily everybody! This week has been cray cray! Honestly. Tbh. I mean, to say the least, first week in the MTC was not what I expected at all. For some reason I thought it was going to be sunshine daisies and butter mellows. But it has honestly been pretty flippin hard. Like, talk about roller coaster of emotions. We've had people brake down because Cambodian is frustrating (not me, of course), and we've all been super excited at some points because we just randomly will get it. The hardest part for me is planning lessons for our fake investigator, Bong Phoan. He's awesome. He's really my old Cambodia teacher from BYU, Tyler Mickelson. So it feels weird calling him Bong. 

     

My companion is named Elder Lamborn. He's from Honeyville, Utah. He's super tall and has super stinky feet. If he reads this, it's cool because we've already addressed how bad his feet stench. Pictures WILL be attatched. He is like a big teddy bear and he has really picked up the language. Working with him is so great. 

    

My first day was awesome because I walked in and for the first 45 minutes my fly was down and I got lost and needed to be guided back to my room by a helpful old lady. So I was basically as newbie as you can get. Reconnecting with my Swig-buddy Sister Sheffield was awesome because she lost her name tag in the first 5 minutes. 

Now about some of the other members of my district: Elder Johhny Ros is my favorite. He is Cambodian, and so weird. We are normally the only two laughing at things that don't make any sense. Elder Gardley is black and says the funniest things. He named me and Elder Lamborn "Elder SlaveBorn". So that's our new name. To everyone #official . The district is 14 people big, and it's only the new Cambos. My ZONE is larger, and has all the Viets, Hmongs, Cantonese, Thais, and Laos.  If only Elder Reagan was here. When I showed up everyone knew who I was and ran at me screaming "ELDER DARK MONEY!!!" because Elder Reagan told them all about our geo-ventures. 

       

Gym is everyday, and I am a master at bolleyball. I held a spoon in my hand the full hour of gym, and the only time I lost was when my lucky spoon flew out of my hands. 

       

I really don't wanna make this too long, so I'm gonna rap up here. Basically, the MTC is an amazing place. It's more magical than Disneyland and Hogwarts put together. The spirit is so strong here, and I love being surrounded by so many people who love The Lord and want to serve him so bad. Everyone here are such great examples to me, and I have already grown spiritually so much. I have learned that when hard times come, prayer is your most useful tool. 

      

I hope my email was enough for all you crazy people! Email me and let me know how to make it better! And because I want to hear from you people! I love you all!!! 

        

Love, Elder Slavens

Seeing Elder Trammell off at the airport 

Our friend Kara Trammell volunteered int the MTC and ran into this guy!

My super baller district 

Me and the greatest Utahn companion anyone could ask for 

​What happens to me when Elder Gardley gets fed up with me 

All the Aryans going to Asia

Khnom sralyn Sister Sheffiled